wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
