I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
So squirting runs in the family.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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