Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
