so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
