I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
