Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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