if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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