so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
