My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
