My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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