new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
