shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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