i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
