all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
