Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
