My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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