Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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