Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize