Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
