I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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