I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
