White coat. Heels.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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