like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
