you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Everything about him screamed your future.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
