I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
