I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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