My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
