You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
