The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
