My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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