Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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