I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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