If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize