Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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