at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
