I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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