Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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