her vagine was all disorganized.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
