I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
