Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
