and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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