I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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