Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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