One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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