I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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