We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
