The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
