i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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