You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
