Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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