ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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