ya dads aren't the best wingmen
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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