it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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