I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
40s are totally the cure
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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