Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
