Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
