just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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