you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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