i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
