Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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