i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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