I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
